Things I thought I’d never hear myself say

Things I thought I'd never hear myself say (until I became a parent)

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Before bringing children into the world I imagined endless hours on the sofa, stroking my little one’s hair and talking about the stars and planets, musing over pictures of cute puppies, and giggling together while I gently kissed their cheeks and tickled their toes.

I imagined walks in the park, crouching down to look at ladybirds and smell the pretty flowers. I imagined baking and patiently showing my children how to add eggs to butter and sugar, and letting them lick the beaters. Sure, I do some of these sometimes, but growing up with 3 girls (2 sisters and a cousin who was pretty much an extra sister), I had no idea what life with boys was like.

 

 

Whilst my little men are pretty tame on the grand scale of boisterous behaviour, I have discovered that life with boys is the opposite of the fluffy pinkness I have been accustomed to my whole life (think cupcakes, sparkly glitter and unicorns). It’s bogeys and willies, skiddy underpants and farts, slime and worms. It’s an endless torrent of nose wrinkling grossness that I can only assume will get worse as the boys get bigger and stinkier. I’ve actually shocked myself sometimes, when I’ve heard certain things come out of my mouth (like, did I actually just say that?!)

 

Here’s some of the things I never imagined myself saying in my life:

 

1 - Don’t stick your willy in the mouthwash bottle, it might get suctioned in! (I feel I need to point out here that this is an empty mouthwash bottle that they love to play with in the bath - who needs expensive bath toys hey?)

 

2 - You can’t post your baby brother to Africa, get him out of the cardboard box

 

3 - Who’s squeezed (*fucking*) toothpaste in my trainer?

 

4 - Stop raking through the (*sodding*) recycling bin!

 

5 - Don’t stick your willy in people’s face, it’s not nice

 

6 - Don’t you dare fart on my face!

 

7 - Who’s drawn a massive smiley face on the living room carpet? (!@*!*)

 

8 - How on earth did you get poo on the actual toilet roll while it’s still on the holder? (FML)

 

9 - Who’s peed all over the toilet seat and floor AGAIN? (multiple times per day)

 

10 - I am nothing like Miss Hannigan from Annie, thank you very much

 

11 - Stop licking my face

 

12 - No I can’t just swallow one of daddy’s ‘seeds’ to get another baby in my tummy

 

13 - Who’s drawn on (baby) Edwards face with the black pen (and was it a crayola washable?)

 

14 - No you can’t put a penny down your willy!

 

15 - For the love of God stop poking my boobies!

 

16 - Get that pencil out of your nose!

 

17 - Oh my God have you just scratched your bum? (as toddler puts his fingers under my nose and laughs)

 

18 - Take your pants OFF your head they’ve got skids in!

 

19 - DO NOT open that door while I’m on the loo (in a coffee shop, and yes, the door got opened)

 

20 - Stop trying to flush the toilet while I’m on it! (happens daily)

 

21 - For the 100th time please get the remote out of your mouth!

 

22 - Stop trying to climb in the freezer / tumble dryer - you’ll get locked in!

 

23 - Do not put the popcorn in your ear!

 

24 - Stop drinking the bath water, you’ve probably weed in it!

 

25 - No you can’t do a wee on each other

 

26 - No I don’t want to pull your finger (again) thank you

 

27 - Stop pretending to fall down the stairs, you’re going to swimming class

 

28 - Why is there a snail in your lunch box and NO you can’t keep him in your bedroom! (I don’t care if he’s called Brian and that you’re going to teach him tricks)

 

29 - Yes you can bury the bird at the park with Daddy

 

30 - Stop playing with your willy, it’ll snap off

 

31 - Is that poo or chocolate? (sniff test)

 

32 - Why have you purposefully smeared all that yogurt in your hair?

 

33 - Who’s (*pissed up the fucking wall again?*) weed up the wall?

 

34 - Stop stretching your willy! It’s not Stretch Armstrong!

 

35 - You’ve just eaten - have you got worms?

 

36 - Don’t tell fibs, I’ve just seen you stuff your dirty pants down the back of the sofa

 

37 - Who’s taken a bite out of every single apple in the fruit bowl?

 

38 - Why have you done a poo in the garden? Yes you have, behind the playhouse!

 

39 - Let me sniff your bum

 

40 - Why have you coloured in your willy? (again is it Crayola Washable, ah that’s ok then)

 

**denotes words said silently in my head

 

 

What corkers have you come out with?

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